Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Movie for Sale

Folks, I have a great idea for a science fiction movie and, since many of my readers are in the Hollywood area with the ability to "green light" a motion picture, I'd like to pitch it here.

It takes place on a harsh and forbidding unnamed planet. Here lovely, lovely folks who want only to be left in peace to dominate the land and eat the dead are suddenly invaded from out of nowhere by evil, evil creatures from the planet Quantacapoopoo.

The evil, evil Quantacapoopooiacks are set on global domination for no other reason than that it is their nature to be evil. Thus, employing their superior intellect, the Quantacapoopooiacks use their cellphones and their "goot and clotomy gazarnocks" (roughly translated into their "friends and family" cellphone deal) they call the QCDC (Quantacapoopoo Center for Disease Control) to order up vials of deadly microbes to be used to commit the genocide of the lovely, lovely cannibals for no other reason than that the Quantacapoopooiacks are evil, evil.

In a mix-up (to save a few galookus the aliens went with the cheaper intergalactic delivery company whose slogan is "when it absolutely, positively has to be there within a lightyear or two") the deadly microbes were of the "glvevenshtahler" variety -- ones that are equally deadly to the Quantacapoopooiacks!!!

The Quantacapoopooiacks are so evil, evil, however, that they don't care. Simply the chance to massacre the lovely, lovely cannibals is so delectable that even risking their own extinction doesn't stop their attempt to massacre the lovely, lovely cannibals. Besides, having had the foresight to bring with them on the trip from Quantacapoopoo special space suits that would allow them to handle deadly microbes -- and employing the robot arms they carry with them everywhere they go because, well, long trips can get pretty lonely, if you know what I mean -- the Quantacapoopooiacks are confident that they can trick the lovely, lovely cannibals into receiving gifts with these microbes embedded in them without endangering themselves too much.

Now, here's the ACT II twist. The Quantacapoopooiacks have a problem. If the evil, evil Quantacapoopooiacks arrive in the camps of the lovely, lovely cannibals wearing the space suits the lovely, lovely cannibals will know that the evil, evil Quantacpoopiacs are up to something and refuse to receive them. But if they take off the futuristic suits (the likes of which humanity will not conjure for another three or four centuries) before they arrive then the deadly microbes might hatch and spread amongst the evil, evil Quantacapoopooiacks and decimate the goot and clotomy riding with them to the lovely, lovely cannibals' encampments.

No problem as, even though it's neither a night nor a weekend, the Quantacapoopooiacks are so evil, evil that they use their intergalactic cellphones to call back to their home planet where all of evil, evil scientists stop what they're doing, download Mapquest dot galopu and time the trip to utter perfection so that they evil, evil Quantacapoopooiacks will arrive while the spores are still dormant and even be able to stay for dinner with the lovely, lovely cannibals as the lovely, lovely cannibals are serving their tradition dinner of greeting -- shepherds pie with real shepherds (but they must leave before the desert course -- grand daughter pie!).

Now, here's the boffo ending. It's a switch that only O'Henry or the Quantacapoopooiacks' Gandoozzoolo Glazalacklinko could have come up with. Having wiped out the lovely, lovely cannibals the evil evil Quantacapoopooiacks suddenly -- and for no reason at all -- set up a society based on respect for the rights of all Earthlings actually dying by the millions in order to create a society unprecedented in its love of peace, freedom, democracy and opportunity for all.

So? What'a you think? Obviously it's pretty darn stupid. Nobody could possibly buy this stupid tale. Except that this is exactly the story that a well-known leftist friend of mine tried to sell to me and his audience just the other day.

In order to justify the lovely, lovely fascist mass murderers from the world of Islam this person stated as "fact" that evil, evil Americans had committed similar atrocities including impregnating blankets with small pox in order to massacre the lovely, lovely Indian folks.

Exactly how our forefathers knew that microbes caused small pox four hundred years before any other earthling was never quite explained nor was where they got these spores, how they handled them and why they themselves didn't die from infections considering they were carrying these blankets in their open stagecoaches for days, weeks and months.

You see, America is so great that the only way the Liberals can justify their hatred for this country is by believing the most ludicrous and impossible of tales. So it is that the folks at Newsweek didn't for a moment doubt that our evil, evil soldiers had done the lovely, lovely terrorists wrong at Gitmo by flushing a Koran down the toilet even though that would require quite literally fitting a huge square peg into a rather small round hole. The fact that the story was beyond just the fantastic but downright impossible was of no import to the leftists at Newsweek. They'd rather believe that evil, evil Americans had done something to hurt the feelings of the lovely, lovely mass murdering Islamic fascists and to believe that they are willing to -- in fact must -- believe anything.


MiamiMiami said...

Oh yeah? Are you gonna tell me that Bush and Cheney don't have a secret plan to personally syphon the oil from Iraq using a very very long garden hose that secretly empties the oil into oil barrels in the basement of the White House? Huh? Huh? Are you gonna tell me that you don't REALLY believe that Bush is in Iraq because he is finishing his daddy's unfinished business?

C'mon. What do you take us for? huh? We're noit gonna fall for it again. I know it was the Bush administration that broadcasted those subliminal messages to all of those soldiers so that they would unwittingly join Army because you and I BOTH know that those soldiers are too dumb to understand anything. You know they were tricked!

And you are part of the conspiracy too. Don't try to deny it either!

( was that, did I nail it? Can I be in the movie, please...)

Evan Sayet said...

You nailed it. While I can't promise you a part in the movie I'll write in a part for you in the sequel "Cheney 2008".

MiamiMiami said...

Don't disenfranchise me mister! Can I play the part of Sandy Berger stuffing those papers down my pants???Huh? can I please???

Evan Sayet said...

Actually, with the Democrats, you're more likely to get the part if you stuff the paper into your pants FIRST.

MiamiMiami said...

Maybe I will.....hahahaha

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